


Losing Everything

by azure_rosa



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-19
Updated: 2012-06-28
Packaged: 2017-11-12 00:50:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/484782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/azure_rosa/pseuds/azure_rosa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What would Severus and Remus think on the day of the Final Battle if they had been a couple before Severus killed Albus?  What would they regret the most and would it have changed anything?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. This Is How You Remind Me

**Author's Note:**

> Remus' Perspective  
> Rating: PG-13 for mild cursing and canon death  
>  **Warnings: This is NOT my usual fare! It’s sad and there IS canon character death in it, so you have been warned!**  
>  Disclaimer: If you think any of these characters are mine please tell me what world you live in so I can move there posthaste! _This Is How You Remind Me_ by Nickelback (<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1cQh1ccqu8M>) is not mine but I wish it was! :D The lyrics (abbreviated) of the song are at the end as it was what gave me the idea and I listened to it _far too many times_ while writing this.  
>  AN: Special thanks to [](http://countesszero.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**countesszero**](http://countesszero.dreamwidth.org/) who gave this a quick once over. Any remaining errors are of course mine as I am compelled to tweak things after they’ve been betaed.  
> 

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus’ thoughts on the day of and during the final battle assuming he and Severus were an item when Severus murdered Albus. Not a happy fic.

I had forgotten.

You made me forget and I loved you for it. I forgot I was less than human, that I was a wolf in sheep’s clothing, that I was deficient, a monster mothers frightened their children with. To you I was just Remus, nothing more or less. You understood. You said the population at large judged based on the strangest and most unreasonable of standards. I had tried so long and so hard to fit in, rather like you, but no matter how hard I tried, how much I sacrificed, I would always remain an outsider. You knew what it felt like. You told me you were as tired of trying to fit into their naïve cookie-cutter categories as I was.  

You just had to ruin everything, didn’t you?

Sometimes I think good things happen to me just so they can be snatched away for someone’s puerile entertainment. It wasn’t enough that I loved you. _I_ wasn’t enough to stop you. I should have known. You pulled away from me in these last few months. You have never been fully honest, even when we were alone, but this was more than your usual burden of spying. You would get this lost expression in your eyes and stare blankly into the distance after returning from the Death Eater meetings. At that time I thought the grim reality of the war was catching up with you and breaking through your stoic façade. Little did I know your mood was due to your conversations with Albus, not the meetings themselves.

I am not unfamiliar with betrayal. From the time I was bitten everyone I loved shied away from me and those who didn’t shy away, ran as though their lives depended on it. Once I thought nothing could throw me more off course than the realisation that _Sirius_ of all people had been the spy until I learned we all had been wrong, turning my world up-side-down again, but then you always had to one up Sirius, didn’t you, my love?

The day I learned from Harry you had killed Dumbledore didn’t just turn my world upside down, no, my world stopped turning and then ceased to exist.

I hated and I loved you. I wanted to stop, I wanted to be human enough to break our bond and turn against you like everyone else did so easily. I longed to never want to see you again, but I was certain I would stop breathing if I didn’t. I convinced myself I had failed you, that you would never had done this to Albus, to _me_ , if I hadn’t failed you. I should have reached out and forced you to share your burden regardless of Albus’ demand for secrecy. Could I have changed your mind? Convinced you to come away with me instead? Or was it my corrupted presence which poisoned you against us all?

You used to make me feel human, you made me whole, safe and _normal_. I don’t think I could ever adequately explain to you the gift that was. But now I must remember I am a monster, I am not allowed the nice things others take for granted. _I_ don’t get to keep the person that makes me whole. Instead I get Sirius’ younger cousin shoved into my arms because _she_ wants me, so I should just take her and be _grateful_ regardless of my own feelings.

You didn’t give me an explanation, not when you pulled away from me, not when you murdered Albus, but then you were never one to explain yourself or apologize for your actions. I was a fool to think you were the key to my long awaited happy ending, but I never claimed to be wise, did I?

I gave you my heart. You knew how I felt and you even returned the sentiment a few times. You never really said the words, but I thought I knew you did. You acted like I was as important to you as you were to me. Was it all an act? Did taking up with me ascertain your loyalty to our cause in Albus’ eyes? Was that what I was to you? A mere pawn, a useful tool to make you look more trust-worthy?

I would have run away from everything with you. I would have abandoned everyone if you had only crooked your finger in my direction. Before you crushed the heart I so thoughtlessly gave you that didn’t seem so damn foolish. Now I wonder how much I might have told you that you did not already know, how many plans were foiled, or would have been, where the blame could be laid solely at my own feet. How many more would have died because I loved you? Because I trusted you?

So here I stand, on the grounds of Hogwarts facing an army of Death Eaters and their allies. Dora is home, save with young Teddy and instead of my thoughts being consumed by the need to protect my family, as they should be if I was a decent person, they circle around you. Are you here, hidden behind one of those horrible masks? The idea of you hiding in plain sight right in front of me draws a twisted smile to my lips. Didn’t you always hide behind a façade, love?

Ambivalence rules my thoughts about you even now. If I saw you, could I, would I kill you? Or would I pull you into my arms for the first time in far too long and kiss you before begging for the truth, just this once? I doubt I could bring myself to harm you knowingly. At times I feel I _should_ want to hurt you, as you hurt me, but I know I am every bit the inhuman monster I’ve always been accused of being. I could never harm my mate.

I hear Bellatrix’s mad cackle to my left. She is engaging Dora in a duel. Damn and blast! Rushing to her aid I manage to take out several Death Eaters on the way. As each one falls I wonder and dread the possibility of it being you.

I suddenly catch your scent on the breeze. My inattention lasts barely a moment, yet it’s enough that I falter and poor Dora, still not quite herself after giving birth, is felled by her own Aunt’s hand.

I was _so close_ to saving her. She might not have held my heart, but she _was_ dear to me. She and Teddy were the only things that kept me going. Numbness consumes me as I realize I have failed to protect the only person in the world who truly loved me.

Shock does not have long to rein as the next thing I feel is one of the Death Eaters I thought I’d disabled fires at me from behind. The last thing I see is the ground rushing up to meet me in a green flash and the last thing I hear is the voice I still love so dearly, screaming my name as if his heart is breaking.

  
_…  
_

And this is how you remind me  
This is how you remind me  
Of what I really am  
 This is how you remind me  
Of what I really am

It's not like you to say sorry  
I was waiting on a different story  
This time I'm mistaken  
For handing you a heart worth breaking  
And I've been wrong, I've been down,  
Been to the bottom of every bottle  
these five words in my head  
scream "are we having fun yet?"

…

it's not like you didn't know that  
I said I love you and I swear I still do  
And it must have been so bad,  
Cause living with me must have damn near killed you

And this is how you remind me  
This is how you remind me  
Of what I really am  
 This is how you remind me  
Of what I really am

…

(Nickelback)

  



	2. Someday I Will

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus’ thoughts on the day of and during the final battle assuming he and Remus were an item when Severus murdered Albus. _**Not a happy fic.**_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Severus' Perspective  
> Rating: PG-13 for mild cursing and canon death  
>  **Warnings: This is NOT my usual fare! It’s sad and there IS canon character death in it, so you have been warned!**  
>  Disclaimer: If you think any of these characters are mine please tell me what world you live in so I can move there posthaste! “Someday” by Nickleback is not mine but I wish it was! :D Parts of it are at the end as it was what gave me the idea and I listened to it _far too many times_ while writing this.  
>  AN: Special thanks to [](http://countesszero.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**countesszero**](http://countesszero.dreamwidth.org/) who gave this a quick once over. Any remaining errors are of course mine as I am compelled to tweak things after they’ve been betaed.  
> 

I wanted to tell you the truth so badly those last few months. I was sure you would not be pleased with the plan, but you alone might understand both the necessity and my own feelings. You would rail and cry for the situation we were in and be angry with the world for putting us in a no-win scenario. I could almost see it in my mind, we would cling to each other as we grieved for the future and you would soothe my frustration. You knew how it felt to be seen as an irredeemable monster. You would understand how it felt to be told the damage to my soul done by murdering Albus, at his bequest or not, would be negligible and a perfectly acceptable loss in the face of sparing young Draco similar damage. You would understand because you were seen in the same light as I.

You understood that just because I was seen as a monster didn’t make it true. You understood because you faced the same prejudice I did. With you I could forget, if only for an hour, that as far as the rest of the world was concerned I was beyond redemption, on that both sides of the war agreed. I would have loved you for that understanding alone, but you gave me so many more reasons. 

I wanted to tell you, but Albus had insisted making himself the secret keeper of my motives. He would be the only one who could speak the truth of my future actions until Voldemort died. He argued it would protect me if I was captured by either side and questioned about my role in his death. It seemed perfectly legitimate at the time, the only condition I gave was that you be told by him before it happened. He agreed, but I foolishly didn’t make it part of the binding itself. I trusted him to protect my interests over and above his own. 

He never told you.

I spent the first month after making that vow expecting you to burst in at any second wanting to talk about the plan. I dreamt of that moment, wanting you to know and understand more than anything so you would not hate me when the time came. Eventually I confronted him, demanding to know why he hadn’t told you yet. He told me that people would analyze your reaction, that if you didn’t look properly shocked and hurt by my betrayal you would be branded a traitor as well. I can’t even say I found his logic flawed, but I still argued with him for what felt like hours. 

You _deserved_ to know. I _needed_ you to know. All of my efforts would be for nothing if all went according to plan but I lost you in the struggle. You were, and still are my greatest motivation for doing all I could to bring this war to its end. I am no longer yours however. I heard of your marriage to Nymphadora, how could I not when Bellatrix shrieked about it for days when she heard the news?

I know I cannot possibly imagine how you must have felt when you heard about my apparent betrayal, but I suspect my own reaction to the news of your wedding and then the birth of your son must have been close relatives. Mustn't they? You did marry her quickly after I left. I suspected she might have turned up pregnant at first, but enough time passed between your wedding and Theodore’s birth to tear that small comfort from me.

I couldn’t even blame you for moving on, it was only practical. For all you knew I was not only a traitor to the Order, but to you as well. Maybe I should have said something, even if the truth was barred to me. I’m sure I could have hinted at events beyond my control and asked you, _begged_ you, to trust me even if you had no reason to ever again. Each time I tried to tell you I felt like I was being choked by the words. 

Was the secret so tightly guarded I couldn’t even hint at its existence or did fear still my tongue? I do not know the answer. I do know I feared hearing of the plan from me in such a roundabout fashion would merely make you question my honesty as opposed to gaining me your trust and support. I pulled away from you those last few months, I’m not even sure why I thought I should anymore.

I would give anything to have those last precious months back again. At the time I was trying to convince myself I would see you again after the war and that someday you would understand and even forgive me. Judging by the way you look on the battlefield that was even more of a delusion than I had guessed.

Your eyes are pained as you scan the field. Are you looking for me love? I am strategically close enough to see you, but far enough to keep us from engaging each other. I shouldn’t be, I know I will only get distracted trying to look out for you as well as myself, but I couldn’t do otherwise. I just have to maintain the pretence a bit longer, then I can finally tell you the whole truth.

Would the truth even matter to you now? You are playing house with Black’s cousin these days after all. As if summoned by my thoughts she appears on the field near you dueling Bellatix. What is she thinking?! Bellatix is hard enough to defeat when one is at their best, but so soon after giving birth Nymphadora can’t possibly hold her own! 

It seems you share my opinion, for you rush to her side, haphazardly blasting Death Eaters out of your way as you go. I clear the way for you as best I can, she would have to be in the middle of a cluster of Death Eaters, wouldn’t she? I get closer to more effectively provide you and she with cover fire only to see you falter in your mad dash towards your bride. The pause was miniscule, but it is enough to give Bellatrix the time she needed to finish her off.

You froze again, clearly shocked and pained at her passing when you were so close to making the crucial difference to her survival. I was still providing cover for you, a charm of my own creation making me appear as an ally to whomever saw me leaving me free to defend others with no concern for my own safety. 

Alecto sprinted your way and I turned to deal with her. I only turned away from you for a moment, just a moment, but the next thing I knew Amycus was back on his feet despite the deadly curse you threw at him as you raced towards your wife. He cast the killing curse at you and despite all my efforts to keep you safe you died, practically at my feet.

I dispatched him with out a second thought as I rushed to your side, screaming your name, but I already knew I was too late. I dropped my illusion as I mourned, let them come for me, I no longer cared to survive the day. Lucius found me bent over your body some time later and informed me The Dark Lord demanded my presence.

I went with a smile; I would finish performing my duty and cheerfully face the death I knew awaited me. I dropped my emergency collection of potions which I had so meticulously brewed to ensure I survived this encounter. I no longer saw the point in continuing on.

...

_How the hell did we wind up like this?_

_Why weren't we able, to see the signs that we missed_

_And try turn the tables_

_I wish you'd unclench your fists, and unpack your suitcase_

_Lately there's been too much of this_

_But don't think it's too late_

_Nothing's wrong, just as long as_

_You know that someday I will_

_Someday, somehow_

_I'm gonna make it all right but not right now_

_I know you're wondering when_

_(You're the only one who knows that)_

_Someday, somehow_

_I'm gonna make it all right but not right now_

_I know you're wondering when_

_Well I'd hope that since we're here anyway_

_That we could end up saying_

_Things we've always needed to say_

_So we could end up staying_

_Now the story's played out like this_

_Just like a paperback novel_

_Let's rewrite an ending that fits_

_Instead of a Hollywood horror_

_..._

_(Nickleback)_


End file.
